Atheist Rap

I like science, so I'm starting an alliance
between critical thought, and open defiance
and if they try any violence there'll be a moment of silence
as they find theirselves shoved in an electric appliance

Silence! you damned pious frauds
peddling theatrical "praise the lord"s
and all the churchgoers just sit there bored
as exposures of deceit are ever ignored, for the

(chorus)
Three pillars: ignorance hate and fear
perpetrated by the priest the prophet and the seer
and all the fundie thugs who just sit there and jeer
we've got some enemies of reason, all up in here

Take apologists, they claim inerrance textual
confronted by the bible they'll say it ain't contextual
but you know as well as I that the spin is ineffectual
'cause all they'll ever be is a pseudo-intellectual

the sexual morality will drive you insane
it'll mess with your dick and it'll mess with your brain
'cause puritanism causes nothing but pain
religion or cult, it's all just the same

(chorus)

a lot of religious people claim to have the truth
but if you wanna have the truth than you gotta have proof
fundies say fuck that, I'll blow up your roof
but before I do that, I'll brainwash the youth

so a lot of kids grow up to be crazy
not to mention violent, stupid and lazy
and their grip on reality becomes hazy
I brought this up at a convention and the motherfuckers tased me

(break)

(chorus)




(Thanks to Grey_Fox from Australia. Check him here. )

Marriage in Heaven

So this engaged couple dies in an auto accident. They both go to heaven, but aren't very happy. St. Peter says, "What's the problem?" They said, "Well, we wanted to be married here. Is there any way to arrange that?" Peter says, "It's a rather unusual thing here, but I'll try. Give me ten years."

So ten years pass and the couple returns to St. Peter and they say, "Well?" He says, "Been having some difficulties. Give me another ten years."

So after another ten years, the couple returns to St. Peter and he says, "I just got it arrnaged. You can be married right away."

SO they get married, but ... well, as is too often the case, things don't go as planned, and after ten years of marriage they go to St. Peter very unhappy." He says, "What's the problem?" They say, "This isn't working out. Can we get a divorce?"

St. Peter is totally enraged - "It took me twenty years to get a preacher up here and NOW you want two lawyers???"

Coffee for Two

A Muslim dies and ascends into paradise. He finds himself before St. Peter, who greets and welcomes him. The Muslim says, "Thank you, but I really want to meet Muhammed. Where is he?". St. Peter replies "Oh, he is upstairs. Just climb the ladder behind you." The Muslim climbs the ladder and finds himself standing before Jesus. "It's truly an honor, sir, but I was hoping to meet Muhammed" the Muslim says. "No problem," Jesus replies, "Just climb the ladder behind you." So, the Muslim climbs the next ladder and finds himself in a room with a brilliant light coming toward him. From the light steps a dignified older looking man. "Hello, I am God. Welcome to paradise!" The Muslim bows low and finally says "Thanks and praise be, but I was hoping to meet Muhammed." God replies "That's not a problem at all. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink?" The Muslim sits and replies that he would like something to drink. God looks over his shoulder and calls out "Hey, Muhammed, two coffees and make it quick!"

Jewish English

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"

Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."

Sample Usage Comparisons:

Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly"

Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"

Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"

Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."

Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."

Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"

Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."

Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach."

Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?"

Two Old Jews

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you fucking people ever think of?

Confessional

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "There's no paper in this one either, buddy!"

Big Find!

A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in highesteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel-dig the ass on that woman."