Praying for Victory

"So when Jesus™ slaps a player on the ass after a touchdown and exclaims, 'Great play!' is he talking to himself?"
With this question state legislators entered a heated debate on house resolution 666 a bill that proposes limiting the scope of influence Jesus™ may exert during high school football games. The bill comes hot on the heels of the Scranton Hell-Cats 47-negative3 victory over the Trenton Jersey-Devils. The Devils were favored because of a collective weight advantage of 2978 pounds and the Hell-Cats were hampered earlier in the week when a tragic car accident sent the starting and backup quarterbacks as well as the entire offensive line to the hospital. State representative Harry Palmer (R-Scranton) said it couldn't be helped that Jesus™ would naturally oppose a team that had at least one Muslim on the squad and at least 6 Methodists.
The incident began as Coach Calvin Hobbes, a professed heterosexual, asked Jesus™ to help his injury ridden team "kick Trenton's asses, because lord, any team that has devil in it's name doesn't deserve to live, much less win." The coach couldn't be reached for comment on his own teams name.
After the kick off, Scranton return man Billy Gruff was thrown miraculously from his own end zone into the Trenton end zone. Later, after the game, Billy cried tears of joy and gave all the glory to god, "I knew in my heart all along that Jesus™ was a Hell-Cats fan and making me fly just proves my faith and his good love." When asked about the broken leg and spinal cord from the flight, Billy answered, "When you see the work of the almighty, you don't ask questions. My paralysis is for a reason; perhaps one day I can inspire an Ethiopian to accept Jesus and come play football here in Scranton if he repents."
Allah could not be reached for comment, but Islamic holy man Mohammad channeled to AP reporter Prissy Galore, "This is simply another example of Jesus™ self aggrandized ego. He would have kicked himself over the goalposts if it would have scored the Hell-Cats 3 points!" When famed psychic Dionne Warwick asked why the prophet didn't intervene and aid the Jersey-Devils, he replied, "What do you want from me? Isn't it enough that I gave the state the Stanley Cup last year, humiliating the shamefaced satanic lapdogs of Satan the Canadians?"
For lawmakers that might not be enough. Says Rep. Josie Wales, "When will we as a society start to realize that we can't have Jesus touching our boys on the ass?"
The debate is expected to continue for several more weeks.