The Fundie Dictionary

AHS: noun. The things you see with

AIG: noun. Chicken ovaries. "Which came first? The chicken or the aig?"

ALL: noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brutha frum Jawjuh puts all en my pikkup trukk."

ALL WELL: noun A source of petroleum.

ARE: noun. A colorless, odorless gas. Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some are !"

ARN: noun. An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothes

ARTERY: noun. The study of painting

BACTERIA: noun. The back door of the cafeteria

BAHS: noun. A supervisor. Usage: "Iffin ya dont kwit readin dis here Southern Fundie Dictionary an git back ta wurk, yer bahs is goan far ya!"

BARIUM: verb. What the doctors do when patients die

BARD: verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pikkup trukk."

BAWL: noun. What water does at 212 degrees F.

BENIGN: verb. What you be after you be eight.

BIDNESS: noun. A commercial enterprise.

BOBBY CUE: noun. 1. A delectable southern dish. 2. A billiards stick owned by William.

BOB WAR: noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

BOWEL: noun. A letter like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESARIAN SECTION: noun. An Italian neighborhood.

CAT SCAN: noun. Looking for Fluffy

CAUTERIZE: verb. Made eye contact with her

CLINICS: noun. A tissue.

COKE: noun. Any carbonated beverage which does not contain alcohol.

COLIC: noun. A sheep dog

CONGENITAL: adj. Friendly

CRINE: verb. To weep.

D & C: noun. Where Washington is

DAINTS: noun An event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to music.

DAYUM: verb/explative. What God does to you if you are bad. In the Northern states it's a four letter word.

DID: adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did , Jim."

DILATE: verb To live too long.

DOC: adjective. A condition caused by the absence of light

ENEMA: noun. Not a friend

EVRA: adjective. Each, as in "She bin crine evra day sence JJ run off"

FAR: noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brutha from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pikkup trukk, dat thangs gonna catch far ."

FARN: adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

GENITAL: noun. Not a Jew

G.I. SERIES: noun. A soldiers' ballgame

GIT: verb. To acquire.

GOFF: noun. Game played by city fellers with clubs and a little white ball.

HANGNAIL: noun. A coat hook

HAZE: contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignernt."

HEAVY DEW: phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a faver?"

HEP: verb. To cry for assistance as in "Hep! There's a far!"

HOD: adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

HOSS: noun. A large, hoofed, herbivorous animal.

HOT: noun. A blood-pumping organ.

IGNERNT: adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "I done like niggras cawse theys ignernt."

IMPOTENT: adj. Distinguished, well known

JAWJUH: noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

JEW-HERE: a question. Usage: " Jew-here watt yer paw sed, yungin?"

LABOR PAIN: noun. Getting hurt at work

LECTRICITY: noun. Energy for arns, tv's an utha thangs.

LOT: adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot -brown hair."

MAY: noun. Myself "Somebody hep may!"

MEDICAL STAFF: noun. A doctor's cane

MORBID: noun. A higher offer.

The Jewish Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were WHITE and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If an Arab does business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

A Jew, an Arab, etc.

A Jew, an Arab and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Jerusalem. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. As it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went co mpletely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Jew were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Arab had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Arab was thinking: 'The Jewish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead. Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Arab fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Jew and got slapped for it. And the Jew was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap the Arab bastard again.

Scottish Nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Amer icans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A Mistake

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get r ight on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "H ey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

The Barbershop

A priest goes into a barbershop and gets a haircut and thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says th ank you very much and leaves. And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. A few days later a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine and when it comes time to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man , a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

Last Rites

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called
their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood
next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate
and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The
pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and
Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the
note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At
the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing
when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note
just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing
Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"