Religious Humor

Atheist Rap

2008-09-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

I like science, so I'm starting an alliance
between critical thought, and open defiance
and if they try any violence there'll be a moment of silence
as they find theirselves shoved in an electric appliance

Silence! you damned pious frauds
peddling theatrical "praise the lord"s
and all the churchgoers just sit there bored
as exposures of deceit are ever ignored, for the

(chorus)
Three pillars: ignorance hate and fear
perpetrated by the priest the prophet and the seer
and all the fundie thugs who just sit there and jeer
we've got some enemies of reason, all up in here

Take apologists, they claim inerrance textual
confronted by the bible they'll say it ain't contextual
but you know as well as I that the spin is ineffectual
'cause all they'll ever be is a pseudo-intellectual

the sexual morality will drive you insane
it'll mess with your dick and it'll mess with your brain
'cause puritanism causes nothing but pain
religion or cult, it's all just the same

(chorus)

a lot of religious people claim to have the truth
but if you wanna have the truth than you gotta have proof
fundies say fuck that, I'll blow up your roof
but before I do that, I'll brainwash the youth

so a lot of kids grow up to be crazy
not to mention violent, stupid and lazy
and their grip on reality becomes hazy
I brought this up at a convention and the motherfuckers tased me

(break)

(chorus)

(Thanks to Grey_Fox from Australia. Check him here. )

Marriage in Heaven

2008-09-17T17:36:00.002-07:00

So this engaged couple dies in an auto accident. They both go to heaven, but aren't very happy. St. Peter says, "What's the problem?" They said, "Well, we wanted to be married here. Is there any way to arrange that?" Peter says, "It's a rather unusual thing here, but I'll try. Give me ten years."

So ten years pass and the couple returns to St. Peter and they say, "Well?" He says, "Been having some difficulties. Give me another ten years."

So after another ten years, the couple returns to St. Peter and he says, "I just got it arrnaged. You can be married right away."

SO they get married, but ... well, as is too often the case, things don't go as planned, and after ten years of marriage they go to St. Peter very unhappy." He says, "What's the problem?" They say, "This isn't working out. Can we get a divorce?"

St. Peter is totally enraged - "It took me twenty years to get a preacher up here and NOW you want two lawyers???"

Coffee for Two

2008-09-17T17:36:00.001-07:00

A Muslim dies and ascends into paradise. He finds himself before St. Peter, who greets and welcomes him. The Muslim says, "Thank you, but I really want to meet Muhammed. Where is he?". St. Peter replies "Oh, he is upstairs. Just climb the ladder behind you." The Muslim climbs the ladder and finds himself standing before Jesus. "It's truly an honor, sir, but I was hoping to meet Muhammed" the Muslim says. "No problem," Jesus replies, "Just climb the ladder behind you." So, the Muslim climbs the next ladder and finds himself in a room with a brilliant light coming toward him. From the light steps a dignified older looking man. "Hello, I am God. Welcome to paradise!" The Muslim bows low and finally says "Thanks and praise be, but I was hoping to meet Muhammed." God replies "That's not a problem at all. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink?" The Muslim sits and replies that he would like something to drink. God looks over his shoulder and calls out "Hey, Muhammed, two coffees and make it quick!"

Jewish English

2007-09-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"

Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."

Sample Usage Comparisons:

Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly"

Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"

Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"

Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."

Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."

Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"

Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."

Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach."

Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?"

Two Old Jews

2007-09-14T00:59:00.002-07:00

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you fucking people ever think of?

Confessional

2007-09-14T00:59:00.001-07:00

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "There's no paper in this one either, buddy!"

Big Find!

2007-09-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in highesteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel-dig the ass on that woman."

The Fundie Dictionary

2007-03-14T21:17:00.001-07:00

AHS: noun. The things you see with

AIG: noun. Chicken ovaries. "Which came first? The chicken or the aig?"

ALL: noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brutha frum Jawjuh puts all en my pikkup trukk."

ALL WELL: noun A source of petroleum.

ARE: noun. A colorless, odorless gas. Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some are !"

ARN: noun. An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothes

ARTERY: noun. The study of painting

BACTERIA: noun. The back door of the cafeteria

BAHS: noun. A supervisor. Usage: "Iffin ya dont kwit readin dis here Southern Fundie Dictionary an git back ta wurk, yer bahs is goan far ya!"

BARIUM: verb. What the doctors do when patients die

BARD: verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pikkup trukk."

BAWL: noun. What water does at 212 degrees F.

BENIGN: verb. What you be after you be eight.

BIDNESS: noun. A commercial enterprise.

BOBBY CUE: noun. 1. A delectable southern dish. 2. A billiards stick owned by William.

BOB WAR: noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

BOWEL: noun. A letter like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESARIAN SECTION: noun. An Italian neighborhood.

CAT SCAN: noun. Looking for Fluffy

CAUTERIZE: verb. Made eye contact with her

CLINICS: noun. A tissue.

COKE: noun. Any carbonated beverage which does not contain alcohol.

COLIC: noun. A sheep dog

CONGENITAL: adj. Friendly

CRINE: verb. To weep.

D & C: noun. Where Washington is

DAINTS: noun An event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to music.

DAYUM: verb/explative. What God does to you if you are bad. In the Northern states it's a four letter word.

DID: adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did , Jim."

DILATE: verb To live too long.

DOC: adjective. A condition caused by the absence of light

ENEMA: noun. Not a friend

EVRA: adjective. Each, as in "She bin crine evra day sence JJ run off"

FAR: noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brutha from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pikkup trukk, dat thangs gonna catch far ."

FARN: adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

GENITAL: noun. Not a Jew

G.I. SERIES: noun. A soldiers' ballgame

GIT: verb. To acquire.

GOFF: noun. Game played by city fellers with clubs and a little white ball.

HANGNAIL: noun. A coat hook

HAZE: contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignernt."

HEAVY DEW: phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a faver?"

HEP: verb. To cry for assistance as in "Hep! There's a far!"

HOD: adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

HOSS: noun. A large, hoofed, herbivorous animal.

HOT: noun. A blood-pumping organ.

IGNERNT: adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "I done like niggras cawse theys ignernt."

IMPOTENT: adj. Distinguished, well known

JAWJUH: noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

JEW-HERE: a question. Usage: " Jew-here watt yer paw sed, yungin?"

LABOR PAIN: noun. Getting hurt at work

LECTRICITY: noun. Energy for arns, tv's an utha thangs.

LOT: adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot -brown hair."

MAY: noun. Myself "Somebody hep may!"

MEDICAL STAFF: noun. A doctor's cane

MORBID: noun. A higher offer.

The Jewish Genie

2006-12-06T13:04:00.003-08:00

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were WHITE and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If an Arab does business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

A Jew, an Arab, etc.

2006-12-06T13:04:00.001-08:00

A Jew, an Arab and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Jerusalem. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. As it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went co mpletely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Jew were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Arab had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Arab was thinking: 'The Jewish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead. Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Arab fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Jew and got slapped for it. And the Jew was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap the Arab bastard again.

Scottish Nuns

2006-12-06T13:03:00.005-08:00

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Amer icans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A Mistake

2006-12-06T13:03:00.003-08:00

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get r ight on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "H ey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

The Barbershop

2006-12-06T13:03:00.001-08:00

A priest goes into a barbershop and gets a haircut and thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says th ank you very much and leaves. And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. A few days later a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine and when it comes time to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man , a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

Last Rites

2006-12-06T13:02:00.004-08:00

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called
their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood
next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate
and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The
pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and
Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the
note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At
the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing
when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note
just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing
Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"

Ode to Creation

2006-12-06T13:02:00.003-08:00

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The lord god made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The lord god made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The lord god made them all.

Amen

The Dean

2006-12-06T13:02:00.001-08:00

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the
Dean of Languages that
in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior,
the Lord will reward
him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or
beauty. Without
hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and
disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of
lightning. Now, all heads turn
toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo
of light. One of his
colleagues whispers to him, "Say something..." The
Dean sighs and says, "I
should have taken the fucking money."

Holy Trojans

2006-12-06T12:59:00.003-08:00

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

Sister Magdalane

2006-12-06T12:59:00.001-08:00

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Heathen Rap Song

2006-12-06T12:58:00.005-08:00

Mary, Mary quite contrary
raped by god, a busted cherry
there were no coat hangers in that day
so she dropped Jesus in some hay
he lived he laughed he loved he lost
THEY NAILED THAT FUCKER TO THE CROSS

Just like Jesus

2006-12-06T12:58:00.003-08:00

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

Missionary

2006-12-06T12:58:00.001-08:00

A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe. He spent several years with the people, during which, he taught them English. He also taught them how to read and write. And of course, he taught them the Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stressed was the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child. The child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has been in this village in many years. What is the explanation?"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep. They are all white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep."

The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "O.K. Tell you what. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

Favorite Teacher

2006-12-06T12:57:00.003-08:00

A young woman teacher with obvious religious tendencies
explains to her class of small children that she is a Christian. She asks her class if they are Christians too. Not really knowing what Christianity is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Christian." Then, asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm an Atheist." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is an Atheist.
"Well, my mom is an Atheist, and my dad is an Atheist , so I am an Atheist."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What about if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.
"Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Christian.

Pagan Hell

2006-12-06T12:57:00.001-08:00

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in" he said. The Pagan asked why "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Yer friends are there and they say it's cool" The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was,well, Pagan. So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicing and having a great time. A man in a white comes to him and
presents himself as Satan. "Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell ain't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan. Satan replies "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

Catholic Funeral

2006-12-06T12:56:00.005-08:00

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 8 children to her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together," A guy sitting in the front row quietly remarks, "excuse me father, are you referring to her FIRST husband or her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I'm referring to her legs!!"

Jesus on the Cross

2006-12-06T12:56:00.003-08:00

Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter. . . Peter. . ."

"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter. . . Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.

Again he hears, "Peter. . . Peter. . ." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter. . . Peter. . . look, I can see your house from here."

Saying Grace

2006-12-06T12:56:00.001-08:00

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head 'and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Donations

2006-12-06T12:55:00.001-08:00

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Mom's Lover

2006-12-06T12:54:00.001-08:00

A housewife took a lover during the day while her
husband is at work. While this takes place she locks
her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet.

One day her husband comes home while the lover is there
so she locks the lover in the same closet with the boy.
They stand in the gloom for a while, then the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"No."
"My dad's out there."
OK, I'll buy it. How much."
"$50"
"Gee. OK, I'll buy it."

The following weekend the father says to the boy,
"Son, go get your ball and glove and lets play some catch."
"I can't, dad. I sold my baseball."
"Really? For how much."
"$50"
"Son, you shouldn't rip off strangers off like that. It's the
same as stealing. I'm taking you to church, so you can confess
your sin."

They go to the church to the confessional. The boy goes
in and sits down. The little door opens so the Priest can hear
his confession.
"What is your sin, my son."
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that shit again."

Seagull

2006-12-06T12:50:00.003-08:00

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and
went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

WWJD?

2006-12-06T12:50:00.001-08:00

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Pearly Gates

2006-12-06T12:49:00.005-08:00

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he completed a chore.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Campylotorpous."

Ebonics Bible

2006-12-06T12:49:00.003-08:00

1. I be God. Don' be dissin' me.
2. Don' be makin' hood ornaments outa me or nuthin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin' me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4. Y'alls ass betta be in choich on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neitha.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin cause dat shit aint yours.

Jesus Speaks

2006-12-06T12:49:00.001-08:00

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts & figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him & tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again:
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "BE QUIET, BOY! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Top 10 Reasons Why a Beer is better than Jesus

2006-12-06T12:48:00.003-08:00

(10) They don't force beer on minors too young to think for themselves;
(9) Beer doesn't tell you how or with whom to have sex;
(8) No one will kill you for not drinking Beer;
(7) Beer has never caused a major war;
(6) Nobody's ever been hung, burned at the stake, or tortured for choosing the wrong brand of Beer;
(5) When you have a Beer, you don't go knocking on other people's doors trying to give it away;
(4) There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you;
(3) If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups who will help you stop;
(2) You can prove you have a Beer;
(1) You don't have to wait 2,000 years for a second Beer.

The Good News

2006-12-06T12:48:00.001-08:00

According to the Mormon's:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever...[we interrupt this message to bring you this special revelation from Joseph Smith: "While you were busy worshipping Jesus during this message, Jesus sneaked out on us and had "other sheep" folks! No really!"]...believeth in him will not perish...[we interrupt this message to bring you this special revelation from Joseph Smith: "God has decided to add a few amendments to his gospel message as originally given. Let's start by saying that in the beginning, God made them male...and very many females."]...but have everlasting...[we interrupt this message...well, you get the point!]"

According to the Jehovah's Witnesses:

"For Jehovah so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten WatchTower organization, that whosoever believeth in it will not be prematurely judged unworthy of eternal life by it."

According to the Jews:
"For God so loved the Jews." Period.

According to the Born Again Believer:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son unimaginable supernatural powers, and that whosoever believeth in him, can have those very same unimaginable supernatural powers too! Trust me!"

According to the Baptists:
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever refuses to believeth in him, God will have to hunt them down and kill them and their family."

According to the Catholics:

"For God so loved this pagan world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life...and if that doesn't work we have a pay-as-you-go plan with over 2000 statues, icons, and images standing-by to take down your prayers and send them off to God for you"

According to the Agnostic:

God loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
Etc...

According to the Atheists:
"For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him...is gullible enough to believe in just about damn near anything!"

Miracle

2006-12-06T12:47:00.002-08:00

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she's going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" asked the priest, "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child." replied the doctor.
"But that's impossible!" said the stunned priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

Fifteen years have gone by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits with the boy and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. This is very difficult and I don't know where to start. Here goes... I'm not your father."
Puzzled. the son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Sailor and Priest

2006-12-06T12:47:00.001-08:00

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "Fuck! I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore.

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you!"

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "Fuck! I missed!"

Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign!"

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "Fuck! I missed!"

Just then, a bolt of lightning dropped out of the sky and struck the priest dead.

A voice was heard in the clouds......."Fuck! I missed!"

Like Husband and Wife

2006-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

Flying Cub Scouts

2006-12-06T12:45:00.002-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest, along with three boy scouts are in a plane that is going to crash. There are only three parachutes in total. The doctor says, "Let the boys have them. We've had a long and good life, they have yet to live." The lawyer replies, "Fuck the boys." and The Priest says, "Do we have time?"

Raggedy assed old nun

2006-12-06T12:45:00.001-08:00

This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way with her. Then the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice..... unless you're too tired."

When you grow up...

2006-12-06T12:44:00.002-08:00

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What
did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said,
"Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

The Pope's Ride

2006-12-06T12:44:00.001-08:00

The Pope was riding down the street in his bubble top limo. At the first stop light a woman yelled at him "Blow jobs - $30". The Pope ignored her and his limo continued down the street. At the second light another woman yelled at him "Blow jobs - $30". The Pope ignored her also and his limo continued back to the Vatican. Upon arrival he called the Mother Superior to him and told her he had a question to ask her. "Mother", he said, "what is a blow job?" She replied "$30 - same as downtown."

Catholic School

2006-12-06T12:42:00.002-08:00

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No.

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks?x The teachers?x The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

2006-12-06T12:42:00.001-08:00

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Top Ten Attractions at the "Holy Land" Theme Park

2006-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

10. Heathens of the Caribbean

9. An Eye for an Eye Lawn Darts

8. Job's "No-frills" Roller Coaster

7. "Who Struck Abel?" Murder Mystery Theatre

6. Pharaoh's Curse (not recommended for firstborn children)

5. The Leap of Faith Cordless Bunjee Jump

4. The Tammy Faye Baker Tunnel of Horrors

3. The Holy Mackerel Seafood Restaurant

2. Noah's Ark Flume Ride

1. The Amish Wagoncoaster

The New Priest

2006-12-06T12:38:00.001-08:00

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Next Sunday why don't you try putting a little vodka in your chalice to help you relax?" So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice and talked up a storm. After mass he again asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said fine, but there were a few small details that had to be straightened out.

1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and the boys."
6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook."
7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
10) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
11) Moses parted water at the Red Sea, He didn't pass water.
12) We do not refer to Judas as El Finko.
13) The Blessed Virgin Mary will not be called Cherry Mary.
14) And finally, we do not refer to the Pope as the Godfather.

The Priest's Ass

2006-12-06T12:37:00.004-08:00

A Texan priest wanted to raise some money for his church; hearing that there was a lot of money in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse. However, horses proved to be too expensive for his small budget, so he ended up buying a donkey instead. Figuring he had nothing to lose, the priest decided to enter the donkey in the horse race, in which, to his astonishment, the donkey came in second place! The next day's headlines in the Daily Racing Form read:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

Encouraged by the donkey's strong beginning, the priest entered the donkey in the races again. This time the donkey won, inspiring the headline,

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

Meanwhile, the bishop had gotten word of these outrageous headlines and decided that this kind of publicity was not good for his parish. So, he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. Next day the headlines read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

Needless to say, the bishop was not pleased with this, so he told the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest obliged, giving it to a convent. The headlines following this read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

Well, this made the bishop angrier than ever, and he ordered the Mother Superior at the convent to sell the animal. She sold it to a farmer for $10. The headlines proclaimed:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

The bishop died upon reading this headline. The day after his death, the headlines read:

TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH

Hellish Engineering

2006-12-06T12:37:00.003-08:00

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here right away."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Lights and Bells

2006-12-06T12:37:00.001-08:00

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"

1st nun: "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"

2nd nun: "An apple." The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

Priest on a Camel

2006-12-06T12:36:00.002-08:00

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.

Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Nuns Go To Heaven

2006-12-06T12:36:00.001-08:00

Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.

"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter.

Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says, "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"

Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven.

The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!"

"Ohhh," says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven."

Meanwhile, in the background the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter.

"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"

Little Jewish Girl

2006-12-06T12:34:00.004-08:00

It seems that God was tired, and wanted to take a vacation. However, being everywhere at once, it was a little difficult for him to decide on where to go. So, he called the Archangel Gabriel in on the carpet...

GOD: Gabe, I've got a problem, and I was hoping you could help me out.

GABRIEL: I'll try lord.

GOD: Well, I need a vacation, and I can't decide where I should go, and I was hoping that you could give me some suggestions.

GABRIEL: How about Mercury? That's a nice place.

GOD: Nope, too hot. It takes all night to get over the sun-burn you got during the day.

GABRIEL: Hmmmm,.... Well, how about Mars?

GOD: Nope, Mars is too much of a party place. All that whooping and hollering, I never get any rest when I go there.

GABRIEL: Well, how about Earth?

GOD: NO!! No Way!! The last time I went there, I got this little Jewish girl pregnant, and I haven't heard the end of that yet!

The Same Thing

2006-12-06T12:34:00.003-08:00

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Your not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Baptist Puppies

2006-12-06T12:34:00.001-08:00

A Baptist minister is walking down the street when he passes a young boy looking into a box. Curious, the minister approaches the boy and asks "What do you have in that box?" The boy responds, "My dog just had puppies, but I don't know what kind of puppies they are. Could you tell me?" The minister looks at the tiny newborn puppies in the box, and after a few minutes, tells the boy, "Why, those are Baptist puppies!"

About a month later, the same minister is walking down the same street, and he sees the boy in his front yard playing with the puppies. The minister greets the boy, "Hello! How are the little Baptist puppies doing?" The boy replies, "Oh, the puppies are fine, but they're not Baptist puppies any more! They're atheist puppies!" Shocked, the minister responds, "ATHEIST puppies? What happened? Last time I was here, they were BAPTIST puppies!" The boy explains, "Well, yes, but they've had their eyes opened since then!"

Tour of Heaven

2006-12-06T12:33:00.004-08:00

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on the tour. They go down a long hallway with doors on one side. They come to the first door. They open it to find a hall full of people drinking and shouting "Bingo!"
St. Peter says "That's the Catholics."

They come to the next door. They open it to find a hall full of people singing like their lives depended on it. St. Peter says "That's the Methodists."

They come to a third door. St. Peter turns to the man and goes "Shhh..." Opening the door they see a hall full of people praying like their lives depended on it while a preacher was shouting about hellfire and brimstone. They close the door and walk down the hallway.
The man whispers to St. Peter "Who was that?" St. Peter whispers back "The Baptists."
The man asks "Why are we whispering"?
To which St. Peter replies "They think they're the only ones here."

The Putt

2006-12-06T12:33:00.003-08:00

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then, "the priest says as he leans back on the hard
wooden bench.

You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.
"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth
landing 5 inches from the cup!"

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
"No, no..."
The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

God's Money

2006-12-06T12:33:00.001-08:00

Three men of the cloth -- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -- were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).

The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us."

The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us."

The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours."

Weekend Off

2006-12-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"

She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie."

The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"

She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"

She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Mercy Fucking

2006-12-02T18:33:00.001-08:00

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Goddamned Fish

2006-12-02T18:32:00.001-08:00

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"

The sister said "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun."

To which the man said "But that's the name of it: a "Goddamn fish."

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the Goddamn fish I caught."

The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a "Goddamn fish."

So the mother superior said "Well give me the Goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the Goddamn fish that the sister caught."

The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a "Goddamn fish."

So the monsignor said "Well give me the Goddamn fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the Goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the Goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the Goddamn fish."

And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"

Bike Ride

2006-12-02T18:31:00.002-08:00

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun turns around and replies, "It's the cobblestones..."

Praying for Victory

2006-12-02T18:31:00.001-08:00

"So when Jesus™ slaps a player on the ass after a touchdown and exclaims, 'Great play!' is he talking to himself?"
With this question state legislators entered a heated debate on house resolution 666 a bill that proposes limiting the scope of influence Jesus™ may exert during high school football games. The bill comes hot on the heels of the Scranton Hell-Cats 47-negative3 victory over the Trenton Jersey-Devils. The Devils were favored because of a collective weight advantage of 2978 pounds and the Hell-Cats were hampered earlier in the week when a tragic car accident sent the starting and backup quarterbacks as well as the entire offensive line to the hospital. State representative Harry Palmer (R-Scranton) said it couldn't be helped that Jesus™ would naturally oppose a team that had at least one Muslim on the squad and at least 6 Methodists.
The incident began as Coach Calvin Hobbes, a professed heterosexual, asked Jesus™ to help his injury ridden team "kick Trenton's asses, because lord, any team that has devil in it's name doesn't deserve to live, much less win." The coach couldn't be reached for comment on his own teams name.
After the kick off, Scranton return man Billy Gruff was thrown miraculously from his own end zone into the Trenton end zone. Later, after the game, Billy cried tears of joy and gave all the glory to god, "I knew in my heart all along that Jesus™ was a Hell-Cats fan and making me fly just proves my faith and his good love." When asked about the broken leg and spinal cord from the flight, Billy answered, "When you see the work of the almighty, you don't ask questions. My paralysis is for a reason; perhaps one day I can inspire an Ethiopian to accept Jesus and come play football here in Scranton if he repents."
Allah could not be reached for comment, but Islamic holy man Mohammad channeled to AP reporter Prissy Galore, "This is simply another example of Jesus™ self aggrandized ego. He would have kicked himself over the goalposts if it would have scored the Hell-Cats 3 points!" When famed psychic Dionne Warwick asked why the prophet didn't intervene and aid the Jersey-Devils, he replied, "What do you want from me? Isn't it enough that I gave the state the Stanley Cup last year, humiliating the shamefaced satanic lapdogs of Satan the Canadians?"
For lawmakers that might not be enough. Says Rep. Josie Wales, "When will we as a society start to realize that we can't have Jesus touching our boys on the ass?"
The debate is expected to continue for several more weeks.

Liar, Liar

2006-12-02T18:30:00.001-08:00

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

The Silicone Bible

2006-12-02T18:29:00.004-08:00

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Grumpy Old Men

2006-12-02T18:29:00.003-08:00

Once upon a time there were two old white men who liked to while away their days sitting on the porch arguing. They argued politics, they argued religion, they argued which minority group they were most bigoted against. On this they agreed: they looked down on them all. A body'd be hard pressed to find two more prejudiced people than these two old friends.

In the course of arguing religion one day, the two old white men got to talking about God. And in the course of talking about God, the two old white men made an agreement: Whoever died first would come back from the dead to tell the other one the facts about God, heaven, the afterlife. (These two old white men, like most people who believe in God, heaven, and an afterlife, never doubted for one second that they themselves were heaven-bound.) So they shook on it, and turned to arguing something else.

In the course of time one of the old men died. The other old man mourned his passing, paid his last respects in proper fashion at the funeral, and eagerly awaited the promised visitation. That very night his friend's ghost appeared to him, looking stricken and pale -- even for a ghost. "Well, hello, old friend! I see you've kept your promise," said the living man. The ghost nodded, eyes wide. "So, you've been to heaven?" The ghost nodded. "And you've seen God?" The ghost nodded. "Well, speak up, man! Tell me about God! What's he like?"
The ghost gulped. Shakily he answered: "She's black."

Going Nuts

2006-12-02T18:29:00.001-08:00

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

The Magic Mirror

2006-12-02T18:28:00.002-08:00

A Fundie, a Catholic, and a Muslim all went to an antiques store and saw a
mirror.

The woman working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror, you must walk
up to it and tell it something that you think is true and if it's true you
can make a wish and it will come true. If it's not true you will disappear."

The Fundie, Muslim, and Catholic bought the mirror and brought it home with them.

First the Muslim walked up to the mirror and declared, "I think Mohammed is
the messenger of God." Poof, he vanished.

Then the Catholic walked up to the mirror and said, "I think Jesus was born
of a virgin." Poof, he disappeared.

Then the Fundie walked up to the mirror and said, "I think...."
Then Poof, he disappeared.

Blind Man's Bluff

2006-12-02T18:28:00.001-08:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?

Eleventh Commandment

2006-12-02T18:19:00.004-08:00

During a recent staff meeting in heaven God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten.

After many revisions they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Mice

2006-12-02T18:19:00.003-08:00

Three Rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together. Rabbi Ginsberg says, "We have such a problem with mice at our shul.
"The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they keep coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?"
The second Rabbi Cohen replied, "We have the same problem at our synagogue, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?"
The third Rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story: "Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue; we tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked.
"Then one Shabbos, I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well soon hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. "While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them.
I've never seen any of them in schul again.

Lamborghini

2006-12-02T18:19:00.001-08:00

A Jewish man bought a Lamborghini. However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
'What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"

Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
'It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform!"

Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
'You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?

Brides of Christ

2006-12-02T18:18:00.001-08:00

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides of Christ." Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Understanding Jewish Women

2006-12-02T18:17:00.002-08:00

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed it is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebermann to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 5 days." The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 5 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Timothy & Antonio

2006-12-02T18:17:00.001-08:00

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year. Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their priestly careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose
from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With a gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

Roshashanna

2006-12-02T18:16:00.002-08:00

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
Jews...you're so good to your help."

From the Mouths of Babes

2006-12-02T18:16:00.001-08:00

A Baptist Preacher watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said. "We're not having that sort of shit in OUR garden."

The War

2006-12-02T18:15:00.002-08:00

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Synagogue

2006-12-02T18:15:00.001-08:00

A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!" Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!" The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!" At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing!"

Rookie Priest

2006-12-02T18:14:00.003-08:00

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?

Good Samaritan

2006-12-02T18:14:00.001-08:00

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

Front Row

2006-12-02T18:13:00.003-08:00

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A Child's Prayer

2006-12-02T18:13:00.001-08:00

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to say grace before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited...and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

The Cruise

2006-12-02T18:12:00.003-08:00

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."

Easter Dress

2006-12-02T18:12:00.001-08:00

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Painting the Church

2006-12-02T18:10:00.004-08:00

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale.

The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great.

But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town, and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, 'What shall I do?'

A voice came back from the heavens saying, 'Repaint, and thin no more!'

The Staff of Life

2006-12-02T18:10:00.003-08:00

Johnny was walking down the street carrying a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand was in his pocket. The minister, walking in the opposite direction, said to Johnny as he approached him, 'I see you have the staff of life in your hand, what do you have in the other?' Johnny said 'a loaf of bread.'

Jewish BBQ

2006-12-02T18:10:00.001-08:00

A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."

Nature of Eden

2006-12-02T18:09:00.004-08:00

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Near Death Experience

2006-12-02T18:09:00.003-08:00

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

The Priest's Cock

2006-12-02T18:09:00.001-08:00

A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.

Faith Healing

2006-12-02T18:08:00.002-08:00

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Polly Want a Tfillin?

2006-12-02T18:08:00.001-08:00

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin') "Yeah, du." (Yeah, you.)

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.

The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (say prayers), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (synagogue) was not place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wages were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

Daven ...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing!

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a jerk ," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!

Sister Margaret

2006-12-02T18:07:00.004-08:00

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good ... good! Now you are starting to see the
difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter
with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man
and know him in the Biblical sense then call me."

A week later: Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Hello, Pete ... it's Peggy. I'm gonna be a while!"

Baptist Dog

2006-12-02T18:07:00.003-08:00

A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one that they liked a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of the new Baptist dog and his skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought thought of normal dog tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try it out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel." Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived. The dog was Pentecostal.

Dog Letter to God

2006-12-02T18:07:00.001-08:00

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?
Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?

********

CAT LETTER TO GOD
Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't really care.

On Forgiveness

2006-12-02T18:06:00.002-08:00

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one
elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "The bastards all died years ago."

Discreet Mensch

2006-12-02T18:06:00.001-08:00

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead At the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?"
"I'll do it," said Goldberg.
"Be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse," said Finkelstein.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," claims Goldberg.

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Contract With the Jews

2006-12-02T18:05:00.001-08:00

To: The Lord God Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Shadai, Elokim, etc.
From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen people
Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)

As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews (The Chosen People) have decided that we really do not wish to renew.

We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing, and, contrary to popular beliefs, we (The Jews) have not really benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the early years of our arrangement, it definitely started off on the wrong footing.

Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we went to enormous expense to erect not one but two Temples, and they were both destroyed. All we have left is a pile of old stones called the Western Wall (of course you know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the contract).

After the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliath, etc, not only were we beaten up almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt of all countries, and really lost a few hundred years of development.

Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to lead us out of Egypt, and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten (smote?) with all those plagues, but, reflecting on those years, we are at a loss to
understand why it took almost forty years to make a trip that El Al now does in 75 minutes. Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, for many years a lot of people have been asking why Moses led us left instead of
right at Sinai? If we had gone right, we would have had the oil!

OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we really were up to our necks in dreck. While it's true that the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all the world like a sign post.

Even one of our princes, Judah ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny thing but many people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses... go figure.

Then, of all things, one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself "Son of You" (there was nothing said about this with Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or three times, while this new religion really caught on!

We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many others, but, ... alas, (and this will make you laugh,) once again WE were blamed. Now here's something we really don't understand. That rabbi, one of
ours and your own son, really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshipped his name and scriptures .....and still killed us by the millions. Claimed we drank the blood of new born infants, and controlled the world banks (Oy! if only that were so. We could have bought them all off, and operated the world's media and so on and so on). Are we beginning to make our point here?

OK so let's fast-forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we were caught in the middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and centre along with everyone else. Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls, they called a crusade or holy war, and went on a killing rampage in our land. Today it's called a Jihad.

OK, so you tested us a little there, but then some bright cleric in Spain came up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once again we and, we must admit, quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities. All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so... in the great scheme of things not a long time. But every time we settled down in one country or another.. they kicked us out! So we wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed. Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in ghettoes... no Westchesters of Moscow for us. There we are in the ghettoes, when what do you know? The Russians come up with the Pogroms. We all thought they made a spelling mistake and misspelled programs, but we were dead wrong (no pun intended). Apparently, when there was nothing else for them to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The Chosen People, are you getting our drift?) was the 'in thing'.

Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank you, in a small European country called Germany, when some house painter wrote a book, said a few things that caught on and became that country's leader.... whoo boy! what a bad day that was for us... you know... your Chosen People!

We don't really know where you were in the earth years 1940 to 1945. We know everyone needs a break now and then... even Lord God Almighty needs some time off. But really... when we needed you most, you were never around. You are probably aware of this, but if you have forgotten, over six million of your Chosen people, along with quite a few unchosen others were murdered.

They even made lamp shades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it gets worse! Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back!

Yes!!! After all these years, you arrange for us to go back home... then all hell breaks loose! All the Arab countries immediately declare war on us. We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humor really eludes us. Ok, so we win all the wars, but it's now 2002 and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked, and kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever.

Enough is enough.

So, we hope that you understand that nothing's forever (except you of course) and we respectfully would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis-a-vis being your Chosen people. Look, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens. How about this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil). How about making THEM your chosen people for a few thousand years?

Mounting Hardware Not Included

2006-12-02T18:04:00.001-08:00

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

The Wages of Sin

2006-12-02T18:02:00.001-08:00

The horse and mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die,
And never taste of scotch and rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton,
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at fifteen cashes in,
And without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks,
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone dry hen,
Lays eggs for nogs then dies at ten.
All animals are strictly dry,
They sinless live and early die.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men-
Survive three-score years and ten.